I moved out. No sense in everyone judging me. I realize they won't ever change:

MOM:You left out the part last nite where you and Jonnell got stoned.....WHY would you go up there and do that? I trusted you....that solved nothing for him...or you. how could you do that? You talk about Ben and his drinking...but you are stoned every day. I SEE IT...do you think I don't know/ Just because I turn my head doesn't mean I don't seeI just don't want to start and argument....I can't figure you out anymore. It really hurts to see you turning to someone I don't even know. I can't trust you...I can't even talk to you most of the time, about anything important....We have become 'aquaintances"...Just putting on a fake little smile and pretending we are ok with each other. It's really sad. I liked us better when we said what we really felt , even if it meant a knock down drag out.
I love you, Lillie Loo Loo....just can't seem to find you these days
.....your life could be alot easier without your new friend...mr weed....why do you think they call it weed? a weed is something that takes over the whole yard and chokes out all the lovleyness around...all the flowers.
Pot does NOT define you, ___...it erases you.AND it take ALL YOU MONEY YOU COULD BE SAVING FOR YOUR FUTURE......
Sometimes I just have to have something to say about it. And I'm a big girl, you can respond to this with whatever you feel to say.I'm your Mother and I always will be. I will never sit back and watch my kids do wrong and not call them to attention. I love you too much to keep turning my head.Please stop with all this . It leads to nowhere.

to which i replied (cause she started it):
wow. im glad you think im such a fake person. you are small minded and
i just can't argue anymore. think what you want, it just hurts me for
you to think im some fake druggie. you are brainwashed, mom. totally
brainwashed from that 50s movement of 'pot is terrible' you have never
tried it, you won't watch any films on how it can be good for you, YOU
WONT EVEN ATTEMPT TO UNDERSTAND and you know it, so don't you EVER
talk to me about not understanding. you refuse to understand me, WHY?
because you are so small-minded and set in your 'christian' beliefs
that you think its all wrong. everything is wrong. GOD MADE MARIJUANA,
but you know what, im not even going to try to explain because you're
as stubborn as me. you'll never listen. im moving to cali one day and
ill be one of these crazy HORRIBLE people that gets weed legalized.
have you ever seen anyone violent on it? no. have you ever heard of
someone getting realllllllly HIGH and going out and shooting up a
school? NO.  HAS THERE EVER BEEN ONE DEATH CAUSED BY SMOKING WEED
ALONE. NO MOM THERE HAS NEVER EVER BEEN ONE WEED-RELATED DEATH IN THE
ENTIRE HISTORY OF THE WORLD. you think im some dumb stoner kid. thats
all youve ever seen me as. im political, im spiritual, and im full of
love for everyone, but youre small-minded-ness just sees me a
different way, and i can't do anything about that. i'mn sorry none of
the stuff i've said will get through to your brain, im sorry you just
think i'm just an 'aquaintance' and you 'can't trust me' YES BECAUSE
ALL STONERS ARE CANIVING LITTLE BASTARDS! the reason i dont talk to
you about it because 1) youll never listen and 2) youre brainwashed. i
was brainwashed once. i was this little mold of a so-called
'christian' but then i found out all they do is JUDGE EVERYONE and i
realized a lot of the things that are taught in church are LIES. maybe
it was because christ church was full of HYPOCRITES!!!!
you dont argue with me about pot, and i wont argue with you about God.
Got it? I am so insulted right now. Like I would go up there and get
stoned just to piss you guys off, what the hell kind of person do you
think I am? Johnell asked me for it, and I said yes. He wanted to get
OUT OF PUNKINS CRAZY HOUSE okay when you guys freak out you wont stop
freaking out and i wasnt even in there 5 minutes before i said
'johnell lets get out of here'

there are somethings that won't ever change.

im moving out

to which she replied:
I have seen a wonderful, sweet young girl change before my eyes....call it what you like. I'm glad you are saying this to my face instead of behind my back....you are the one who is brainwashed. YOU haven't tried the peace of God and what it can do for you . You are so full of hate for everyone....I don't get where that comes from? I DON't understand you. When our generation was younger, we had RESPECT for our parents even if WE DIDN'T AGREE with them. I know you will move to California one day, just like Carolyn and Frank's son (25 year old) It should be enough that Chris was messed up because of drugs...that should have let you know. And you can't really pull the Christian card on me...I love aGod because he helped me through HELL in my life...something You wouldn't know about.
I cna't TRUST you because I have asked numeroaus times for you to keep men out of your bedroom...and trusted that you would...BUT YOU DON'T.    and as far as full of peace and love, I've seen you stand in the kitchen just this year and throw a tantrum and stomp your feet.
YOU WERE NEVER A CHRISTIAN....you were someone on the fence trying to make up your mind and you did. And I sent this to begin with in a good frame of mind...I'm not MAD at you...but what you did last night involed me and Punkin too...you should at least hear my side.and it seems funny to me that Jonell has been living FREE in that CRAZY HOUSE all this time and it has been ok...?
AND WHY DO YOU BRING GOD INTO EVERYTHING? I didn't even mention God or Christianity to begin with...?????

to which i replied:
you just really didnt listen to me at all, go figure. im done with
this. my whole life ive tried nothing else but to please you, and you
just call me fake. thigs will never ever again be good with us, you
can thank yourself for that. i cant believe you think i hate everyone.
you just fucking said the opposite of everything i believe. all ive
ever done is try to be ok with yoiu guys. i dont smoke pot around you,
i dont bring it in the house, i dont bring my stoned friends in here,
i do everything you ask, WHY? because i was always the bad kid, i
never went to college, i did "ALL KINDS OF DRUGS" right? isn't that
what you think? oh yes mother i can just feel the weed inside my
brain, its telling me to do horrible things! keep your children away
from me! oh god whenever i smoke it i just worship satan you know? its
so great. i just love hating the world, it gives me such a great warm
feeling inside.

i cant say anything else to you, because you will never listen to me,
you just have these blinders on, you have hurt me so bad, i am
crushed. my own mother saying those things to me, how could you? youre
acting like i went in punkins house with a joint hanging out of my
mouth. god, you are ridiculous. i have had NOTHING but love for you,
but now you've just changed that. i have finally realized that nothing
i ever do will make you happy. unless im in church, praying like a
freak, you will never be happy with me. i give up.

i give up.

you win.

i hope i never see you again.

to which she replied:
so do I

Evidently Johnell had a wreck and totalled his car. My guess was he did it on purpose because he couldn't make payments. Guess what? I guessed right. I'm pretty sure he's suicidal, I heard he absolutely lost it. He beat the holy hell out of Britney, which amuses me. Britney, the liquified shit bubble that gurgles out of your asshole right before your explosive diarreah stanks up the entire public restroom. He just kept on doing that stupid Johnell thang he was doing. Don't ask me what it was, I was constantly dumbfounded. I couldn't figure out why he couldn't just be 'okay' with shit. Like, you don't like most of the shit that happens to you in life, right? You don't enjoy living mediocrely while others around you prosper. But the thing is, everyone feels like that. And the thing is, folks,Johnell can't seem to see that part. So now my Grandmother is on the phone, and I'm worried for some crazy asshole who quit caring about anyone for himself because god forbid he's blowing his brains out with a shotgun right at this very moment.

I guess I'll take a road trip up there and see what's up. Uh. I hope he's alive n shit. Just so I can kick his ass.